a few of the ladies in my life started a young women's bible study; we're reading through the book of jeremiah one chapter a week... really chewing on the meat. chapter one: his calling to be a prophet. his obedience despite fear, doubt, inadequacies... his inner turmoil as a result, spilled onto pages out of order, most of which burned.
eva cried today. mom cried today. i cried today. i pulled the car over onto a street "road closed" said the sign attached to the chain stretching across the cracking, no, gaping asphault. and there we sat in our tears, our confusion, our anger, our pains, our denial, our spoken and unspoken words. there we sat in silence, amid screams, aching.
sometimes i think that each breath is teaching me how to breathe all over again. i picked up a djarum kretek to help with that on the way to work. i slowed down. i saw the nose, that beautiful nose in the side view mirror of the car of the boy sitting in traffic in front of me. i saw the monarch flutter in and out of turbulent pre-storm air (the storm never came to pass).
i have read two books in the last two days. my eyes are begging me to cover them. my back is itching. my room is a mess. my kitchen cupboards are bare. there is much too much to be done... and school commences monday.
and my soul is weeping. i don't think that i'll go into detail now... i don't know who reads this (perhaps all the more reason to take advantage of anonymity).
i pray for direction, then i think that if god showed me any more than he does (which isn't much... no, i shouldn't say that... he shows me a lot, but there is still so much that i don't pick up on) i wouldn't do it anyway... like a stubborn child, i think my way is best... as if any decision thus far, has been a good one. it is actually more like the stubborn child who has to do things in her own time as she musters up the courage to make a decision despite inadequate understanding.
i'm blogging again because i need the outlet. i'm doing it on here and not myspace because i just needed something different.
i'm sort of in a funk. if you pray, and especially if you do it in the spirit, please don't hold back... i need some intercession.
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A voice cries out in the wilderness of people, and appears to have fallen on deaf ears...
Take heart for you are not alone, you are never alone. I will gladly pray that you might find the direction and guidance you seek. I will pray that you will have the courage to accept it as well.
Do not despair, God loves you. If the events in your live make it so you cannot believe that, I urge you to read the book of Job. Live in peace and the love of God, and know that there are people who are praying for you.
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